If You Only Walk Long Enough
by Jenndude5
Summary: The one where earthquakes cause dimension travel (or is it the other way around?)
1. Prologue to Battle!

**A/N: You** _ **might**_ **be able to read this as stand-alone, as long as you just picture them from different dimensions and ignore all the possible inside jokes that might fly over your head. If not, these are the stories involved: 'Darcy's (Mis)Adventures' (and its prequels), 'Let's Go With Proud', 'We Gotta Make a Decision' (please don't read its prequels), 'Rhodey Sorta Helps' (and its prequel), and 'No Sleep? (We Can Fix That)' (and its prequels). They all pretty much stand-alone, so if you want to skip the prequels, you can. Probably.**

 **P.S. This Story is not necessary to read. (Spoiler?) It won't affect the series they come from at all, so if you don't feel like reading it, just read the epilogue when it's up (or don't, I guess) as it takes place directly after the characters disappearance(s).**

 **-Line-**

" _Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"  
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.  
"I don't much care where–" said Alice.  
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.  
"–so long as I get SOMEWHERE," Alice added as an explanation.  
"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."  
_ _-Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_

 **Prologue to Battle! Part One. (There is no battle. I'm sorry. Kudos to anyone who gets the reference.)**

 **Darcy on a (Mis)Adventure!**

Darcy was, to say the least, disoriented. One moment she's all cozy in a box, drifting to sleep, then BAM! She's in a forest.

What the actual fuck just happened?

She looked at her paws, one after the other, walked in a circle to get a better look at herself.

Yep. She was still a cat.

This meant she _didn't_ just get blackout drunk and wander into a forest (again).

She sat down with a huff. This was just her luck. She was happy, and safe, and content with her life (even if half of it was now spent as a feline) and, like always, something just has to come and muck it up.

This! This is why she can't have nice things!

Letting out a lone, sorrowful meow, she stood up and starting walking in a random direction. No use just sitting around when there was an entire forest to explore! (And she didn't want to get eaten by a giant hawk staring at her from a tree…)

 **Hurting Pride…**

Loki (the cat) was having a bad day. Being kicked out of his oasis was awful, being sent to another dimension was _dreadful_. Being plopped down in the middle of a forest? It could not get any worse.

He had always hated camping with Thor.

Shaking off the leaf sticking to his back paw, he continued to curse under his breath. When he found out whoever sent him here, he would have his revenge.

Sweet, _sweet_ revenge.

So busy plotting, Loki almost didn't notice the rustle of leaves to his left. His head jerked up and he darted into nearby bushes, his entire body tense. He was prepared to either fight or flee depending on the threat level of whatever strange and dangerous beast had got a hold of his trail and-

-It's just a cat.

Loki relaxed and berated himself for being so paranoid. He decided to blame it on him being in unknown territory _after_ someone had gotten the drop on him and actually managed to send him to a completely foreign (yet familiar) universe.

Yes, if it hadn't been for that there was no way this lowly creature would even appear on his radar. After all, it was just a cat (he ignored the voice that sounded oddly like Odin that whispered _'so are you'_ ). A rather large cat, granted, but still just a mangy animal that posed no threat to him.

It didn't even notice him, too busy sniffing around and hopping from one log to the next. Truly, a creature as mindless as Thor.

Sighing, he climbed out of the bushes. There was no reason to hide from this beast. It would probably just ignore him, anyway.

It didn't.

In fact the moment Loki stepped from his hiding spot it whipped around, nearly falling off its current perch.

It seemed a little embarrassed (if that was possible) at the fact that its tail had poofed in surprise, but then it completely focused on Loki. Its eyes widened and it started to run directly at him.

Loki took a step back, but before he could take off _away_ from the other feline (it was faster than it looked) the cat was right next to him and, and-

-Talking?

"Wow, hey! Another cat! I haven't seen another cat when I'm like this, yet! Hey, can you understand me?" It –she- howled and jumped around, getting right up in Loki's face.

Loki felt dread and surprise wash over him. He knew that voice, even in cat form.

"Lewis?"

She stopped bouncing around, eyes going even more wide, "Loki?"

There was a long silence where neither did anything…

Darcy fell to the ground in hysterics, pointing her paw at Loki and rolling on the ground.

Loki hissed, hair standing on end in anger, "What are you laughing at? You're a feline, too!"

She tried to breathe, "You're –you're-" she fell back into uncontrolled laughter, beating the ground with her paws.

" _What!_ "

She gasped, "You're tiny!" She head fell to the ground as her body shook in humor.

Loki froze in shock. What? No he wasn't! Smaller than average perhaps, but certainly not _tiny_!

"I am not! _You_ are just abnormally large!"

Darcy stopped laughing. She jumped to her feet in indignation, "Hey, my doctor said I'm a healthy weight! It's not my fault you're the size of a kitten!"She shouted.

Loki puffed up even more, before calming himself. Sitting down in his most regal pose, "Healthy weight for a _dog_ maybe, I'm sure anyone of a _normal_ size would seem small to _you._ " He snubbed his nose.

Darcy stood there a moment, slack-jawed (much to Loki's amusement) before snapping out of it, "Hey, take that back, you little magical bastard-!"

"I mean, what have they been feeding you? You're the size of a greyhound." Loki continued, ignoring Darcy's protests.

And there bickering continued.

 **Decisions We'll Make –Later.**

"What am I looking at?" Tony asked dryly, watching two cats- argue? Is that what was happening? How is this even his life?

They (Tony and Loki) had landed pretty hard in the middle of nowhere. As in, not where they were before. Loki, after having a look around, had stated (all blasé) that they were in another dimension.

Because this is his life now, Tony didn't bother questioning it beyond the 'how do we get home' part.

Surprise, surprise, Loki didn't have the answer. Because, _his life_.

They had walked around a little, since Loki didn't know where (universe wise) they were and, therefore couldn't teleport them somewhere.

It was boring, and halfway through Loki had tried to casually bring up the whole 'golden apple' thing.

After a stilted, slightly hushed, argument that _now really wasn't a good time for that conversation_ , Loki conceded that they would have to wait to talk about it later. Because, _they would be talking about it_.

Then, after a few more minutes of tense silence, they came upon what looked like either a large cat or a really small bear (with a really fluffy tail) having some kind of seizure, and what was definitely a ( _much_ smaller) cat hissing angrily at the other feline(?).

Loki had stopped him from getting any closer (or the more likely –leaving in the opposite direction) placing a hand on his shoulder, and just watched. He had a strange look on his face, as if he didn't quite believe what he was seeing. Not that Tony blamed him.

The cats had gone through a slew of different actions, from seizer and angry hissing, to what could only be haughty-ness and… angry hissing. Only from the other cat.

Because this is his life.

Tony's head hurt.

"Is that," Loki started, pained, "me?"

Tony looked between his Loki (always his, the asshole), and the smaller cat (because with that attitude, it had to be him) and sighed.

His _life._

Then something fell from the sky.

 **Miles to Go Before I Sleep (Fucking** _ **Miles**_ **).**

So close. He had felt himself _drifting_.

Is what Tony was thinking as he plummeted toward the ground, before a bunch of trees decided to break his fall. How nice of them.

His descent finally stopped when he landed face first in the ground in the middle of a clearing, scaring a couple of what could only be woodland creatures. Probably. With how many trees he just went through, Tony was pretty sure he was in the woods. He groaned.

His back hurt. So did his front, if anyone cared enough to ask.

"Fuck everything. Life sucks." He told the ground, not even bothering to lift his face up. Or move at all.

"Well, I wouldn't say it's completely terrible." He froze. Great. Now the voices in his head were talking without him. Maybe he had brain damage?

There was a snort followed by a grunt of pain, "I wouldn't be surprised if you had a concussion, but you might want to look up before you decide to check yourself in for the voices in your head." The voice said again, definitely amused.

Tony blinked into the dirt before his brain finally caught up to what he'd just heard. He sat up quickly (too quickly, the world was spinning. _Again_.) gasping at the pain behind his eyelids and the puke in the back of his throat.

Definitely a concussion. Possibly a few bruised ribs.

After what was probably only a few seconds but felt like hours he was able to open his eyes again. He turned toward the voice that apparently _wasn't_ in his head (good to know) and- nope. He was still crazy. Or dead.

There was _himself_ , standing next to _Loki_. He was crazy (or dead), completely insane (or dead). Because even this didn't happen to him.

Unless the other him was a clone. Or a robot. Or both, because Loki is a dick, and would probably do that just to screw with him.

"I feel like I'm missing something."

Then two cats crawled out of the bushes.

"Did I lose my shit somewhere in the trees?" He asked, actually looking up to check.

"I'm not like that, am I?" Other-him asked Loki, who actually smiled ( _Smiled!_ ).

"Only when you're sleep deprived." He answered teasingly (but not maliciously?).

He stared at the two of them for a moment, (the cats seemed just as surprised as him, not helping him in the least when it came to the insanity vs. reality battle) before groaning.

"There is not _nearly_ enough caffeine in my system to deal with this."

Loki chuckled at him.

 **Have You Ever Actually Tried a Spoon Full of Sugar?**

Tony sniffed for what felt like the hundredth time, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

' _This sucks,'_ He thought, growling as another tree got in his way. He'd woken up in the middle of some forest, leaves stuck to his face with drool and snot, and achy all over.

And no one there to complain to.

He had thought it was some kind of prank at first, but Rhodey went into Mama-Bear mode whenever he was around when Tony was sick, so he doubted his friend would've let any of the Avengers (Clint) do it.

That kinda only let the super-villain option.

Tony _hated_ that option.

He was sick, dang it!

He wandered a little farther until he walked into a little clearing. Paused. Stared.

Got stared at.

The –the _him_ on the ground looked between him-him, the _other_ other him who was standing next to Loki, (and then at a pair of cats that Tony decided to ignore), and back, before flailing his arm in his (Him-Tony's) direction.

"Oh, c'mon!"

Tony blinked, then sighed and rubbed his face.

"I should have stayed in the closet."

The brown cat chittered in what could have been amusement.

Quinjets could be heard in th distance.

 **A/N: And Scene. Oh, my master plan! This is going to be fun for me, just so you guys know. I decided to break the Prologue up into two parts because the chapters are (probably) going to be short (like their one-shot counterparts) and I didn't want to get your hopes up, sorry -_-. (First chaptered story since I was eleven. Nervous!) Okay, the way I see it, each story will get its own chapter after the prologue, then the epilogue. I have yet to decide which order to put the chapters in (please help T.T).**

 **Anyway, honorable mentions for: '** **canis lupus familiaris', their AO3 counterpart '** **Shadows_of_Shemai'** **, '** **ErinKenobi2893', and '** **WolfCryer' on AO3 who is actually the reason I decided to get off my butt and write.**


	2. Prologue to Battle! Part Two

**A/N: in this universe it's basically canon up until AoU, minus SHIELD disbanding, and Tony still has the Arc Reactor (because I never understood how he was able to get rid of it in the first place).**

 **Prologue to Battle! Part two. (There is no battle. I'm sorry.)**

" _Who are YOU?" said the Caterpillar.  
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, "I–I hardly know, sir, just at present– at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."_  
 _-Alice's Adventures in Wonderland._

 **-Line-**

"Why can't SHIELD lackeys do this, again?" Clint complains from the pilot seat of the quinjet. Natasha was in the copilot seat, Rogers and Banner were in the back, while Thor and Stark had decided they wanted to stretch their sky legs by flying out beside the plane.

"Who the fuck knows," Stark answered, voice sounding through the comms.

"This isn't our usual type of mission," Rogers admitted a little hesitantly, "But I'm sure there's a reason we were called to check out a few, uh… what did you say it was, Dr. Banner?" He turned to look at the mostly unassuming scientist.

Banner removed his glasses to clean them, "There were strong levels of radiation, and a multitude of several other unknown energies, showing up in seemingly random spots, at seemingly random times, inside this forest. The fact that it corresponds with the large number of earthquakes that have been happening around the world is making a lot of the higher up's angsty," He paused, "Though, you're right –this isn't exactly a job for the 'Avengers'." He ruefully smiled at the name. Clint snorted.

"No shit. There are two people on this 'team' of ours that can actually do anything in this situation. The rest of us are just going to be sitting around, twiddling our thumbs." He complained.

"Oh, don't worry. The two scientists are going to be bored, too. Because this type of work is for, y'know, _lackeys_." Stark stressed, "I'm an engineer, this kind of science isn't what I do."

"Finally admitting you don't know something, Stark?" Rogers teased. Clint couldn't tell if he meant it or not.

He hoped not, or else this team thing is going to be really short lived, what with the two 'leaders' constantly fighting with each other.

"I never said I didn't understand it!" Stark defended, "Just that it's really tedious work, best left to the interns. And am I the only one who finds this whole thing suspicious? Really? None of you think this is some ploy by Fury?" He accused.

Rogers frowned, "Why would you say that?"

"We have been called to _assemble_ all of once, and that time the world was ending. Then suddenly we get sent out to check on _energy spikes_? There have been plenty of more pressing times that we could have been pulled together –how's the search for Barnes going, by the way- so why now?" He asked.

Roger's frown deepened, "I don't know," He chose to ignore the question about Barnes, "But he probably has a good reason."

"Like when he tried building weapons that ended up causing an egotistical maniac to try and take over the world? No offence, Thor."

"…I take no offence," Thor, who had been silent, assured, though he sounded distracted.

"You alright there, Blondie?" Clint asks, ignoring the descending argument happening between Stark and Rogers.

Thor hesitates, "I'm fine."

"You sure?" Clint wasn't convinced.

"Yes, I," he paused, "I am sure it is nothing." That caught Natasha's attention. She sat up straighter.

"What's nothing?" She demanded.

"Something in the air feels… wrong, is all. I assure you though, it does not feel dangerous." Thor hurriedly claimed.

"Maybe you just sense the radiation in the air," Banner joined the conversation –if you could call it that.

"…Perhaps." Thor didn't sound convinced.

 **-Line-**

Half an hour later Clint was landing the jet in a semi-large clearing. Thor and Ironman landed soon after.

They'd have to walk from here.

"So, which way are we headed in?" Rogers asked, stepping out the back and glancing around.

"Uh," Banner pushed his classes up and looked at the device in his hand, "A lot of the energy is fading, but there's still large amount coming from… that direction." He pointed off somewhere, before looking up.

"Right," Stark said, his suit folding back into its suitcase form. He stuck it the jet, and worse come to worse he could call it (Clint hadn't asked how the suit would get _out_ of the jet). He hadn't needed to bring it, but you can never be too careful.

Looking around at the others, Rogers took a fortifying breath, "Well. Let's get going."

 **-Line-**

Two minutes into walking and Clint was already bored. Not that he was going to say anything. He was a sniper, trained to sit still for long periods of time. Of course, normally he was waiting for something. Or someone.

Not just following around a couple of scientists that he wasn't one hundred percent sure knew what they were doing.

"It's weird," Banner murmured, almost to himself, pressing buttons and squinting and the small screen "It's like all the energy is moving to one spot…" He trailed, looking up in some undetermined direction.

"It's fading fast, too," Stark chimed, fiddling with his own device, "We need to pick up the pace if we're going to get any readings at all."

Clint suppressed a groan.

 **-Line-**

Another half hour of walking in what Clint was pretty sure was circles.

They had passed that tree, like, three times…

"So, the readings say whatever it is should be right through here." Banner said to Stark, who nodded. The others were completely ignored by the two in favor of their science companion. They continued through the overgrown foliage, stopping abruptly on the other side. Clint couldn't see what had made them halt though.

"Uhh…" Stark was actually speechless. Now Clint was extremely curious. He pushed his way over to see.

He paused, echoing Starks "Uhh…"

This… was really weird. Like, _really_ weird.

What looked a lot like Stark, even though the man was standing right next to him, was lying on the ground, staring up at the sky with glazed eyes, mumbling to himself (Clint couldn't really hear what he was saying, something about cloning robots and Loki's dick –actually, he _really_ hoped he'd miss heard) seemingly unaware of the large, brown cat dozing on his chest, while another… Stark… was curled up in the fetal position, leaning against a tree.

The last thing he saw made him tense up. There was another Stark (and what the hell? Why are there so many Starks?) Standing next to _Loki_ who seemed to be holding a quiet conversation with a cat.

A cat. That he held out from him by the armpits.

"Brother!" Thor yelled, surprised, startling the clearing occupants. He started running at Loki, only for the Stark, (he was already getting confused) that had been standing by him, to get in between the two.

"Woah, hey, no! Bad Thor!" The Stark said as if scolding a giant puppy. Thor actually stopped, stumbling a little.

From Loki's arms the black cat hissed.

"Oh, c'mon!" The Stark on the ground whined, throwing an arm over his face, "Not more of you!"

"Brother…" Thor tried again, wearing the most pathetic puppy-dog face Clint had ever seen.

"I'm not your brother," Loki told him, pulling the cat close and laying a hand atop its head, trying to appease it.

"Yes you are! No matter if you are not blood!" Thor boomed, stepping closer, ready to go into a speech, but stopped as something seemed to occur to him "How did you escape Asgard?" He demanded.

Which is what Clint would like to know! That, and why there were so many Starks.

Loki rolled his eyes, "I did not mean it like that, you buffoon." He huffed, "I am not _your_ brother, for I am not this dimensions Loki." His brow furrowed, "Obviously there is more to these earthquakes then meets the eye."

"I do not understand." Thor said.

"Surprise, surprise…" The Stark in front of them stated dryly.

"Okay!" Rogers finally got over his shock, (Clint was surprised _their_ Stark hadn't jumped in yet. Looking over at him, Clint saw he was ogling himself(?)) "Just what the hell is going on here?!"

" _Language!"_ All the Starks (even the one curled up against the tree) chided at once.

There was a pause.

"Oh dear God," Clint said in horror as the reality of the situation suddenly set in, "There's _four of them_!"

" _Fuck off,"_ They all said.

Clint shivered.

"…Well, that's disconcerting," Banner finally said. Natasha nodded, inching away from their Stark (much to his offense).

Rogers ignored them, "You said you weren't this dimensions Loki?" he asked, a lot calmer than before, going into 'LeaderMode'.

Loki stepped forward, and around his(?) Stark, "That is correct. In fact, none of us, besides me and Anthony here, are from the same universe at all." He confirmed, "From what I can see, we all got sent he during an earthquake. I believe some form of magic is involved, but the reason behind it confounds me."

The Stark on the ground raised a hand, "I thought I gave a pretty good reason."

Loki sighed.

Their Stark just had to ask "What was it?"

"The universe hates me."

"You're a lot more dramatic than I thought you would be. You and sniffles over there," Loki's Stark told the Stark on the ground, waving a hand at the other one by the tree. (Way too many Starks. The world was going to end.)

"Not even _I_ understand my pain!" 'Sniffles' whined, sniffing dramatically, and hugging himself tighter.

"He's sick, while he's concussed and sleep deprived." Loki deadpanned in way of explanation, motioning at the two, respectively.

…It actually explained a lot, except for, y'know, _everything_.

"So what's up with the cats?" Clint asked, side eyeing the black one still in Loki's arms that was glaring at all of them, especially Rogers, for some reason.

Loki glowered. His Stark laughed and motioned to the black one "That's another Loki," Clint cringed internally at the thought, "and that," he pointed at the fluffy one sitting on the apparently concussed Stark, "is Darcy."

Thor looked surprised. Clint had no idea who that was.

"Who?" Their Stark asked, raising an eyebrow and putting his hands in his pockets.

The other Stark shrugged, mirroring the posture "Darcy, you know, Dr. Fosters intern?" He got met with blank looks, "You've really never met her?" He asked, surprised (and maybe a little envious).

"Why is she a cat?" Rogers asked, glancing over as Thor bent down to see her. 'Darcy' seemed extremely pleased (if not a little twitchy) to finally have the attention on her, preening as Thor started to pet her.

"Loki did it."

They all looked toward Loki.

"Not me!" He huffed, offended, then paused, "Though, I have threatened it before, I suppose. Maybe my alternate finally snapped, heaven knows I've come close with that girl." He shook his head in exasperation, crossing is arms more tightly around the feline him.

Lokitty meowed his agreement.

"And why is _that_ Loki a cat?" Their Stark asked.

Loki sighed, "My mother has a since of humor." That was all he gave for an explanation. Thor seemed to at least partially get it, though, so…

"Let's just go back to HQ," Rogers finally said with a sigh. He didn't sound like he fully believed what he had been told (Clint doubted any of them did. He certainly didn't), but since there _were_ multiple Starks (and _Loki's_ (and an intern that happened to be a cat?)) and Loki was supposed to be in As- whatever, so they couldn't actually say they were lying, either, "No doubt Fury will want to know what's going on."

His words were met with much complaining, and in the end Thor ended up carrying Sniffles, as he refused to walk anymore.

They had to bribe Sleep-deprived with coffee.

 **-Line-**

 ***Cough* So you guys remember how I once said I can't right multi-chaptered fics because they try and run away from me? That's what this one is trying to do. Next chapter will still be in Clint's POV, since it a lot of it was originally part of this (after over three thousand words, I decided I needed to cut it) and it shouldn't take all that long to write.**

 **I was hit in the feels, guys. I watched the Civil War trailer (#HeartCantTakeCivilWar)… the pain is real. This is why I ignore most of phase two and all of phase three. It messes with my head-canon. I can no longer imagine a Steve/Bucky/Tony situation without some form of this conversation.**

 **Tony: "You'd sooner beat me to death yourself than let him to go to trial."**

 **Steve: "What trial! They were going to kill him!"**

 **Tony: "Why couldn't you just trust me! Did you really think I'd just throw him to the dogs!"(He normally would storm off here, unless it's a soulmate AU, or they were in relationship before Civil War, in which case, this is added in a whisper) "He was mine, too…"**

 **Because I apparently love torturing myself.**


	3. Our Universe, Our Rules

**A/N: Redbull is magic.**

' _I could tell you my adventures–beginning from this morning,' said Alice a little timidly:  
'but it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.'_  
 _-Alice's Adventures in Wonderland,_

 **Our Universe, Our Rules.**

It was quiet on the way back. Natasha stayed tense. Loki and (Loki's) Stark sat and muttered to each other (there was something bothering Clint about those two…) while Cat Loki dozed in his counterparts grasp.

Clint himself was flying the plane, Thor had chosen to ride this time and was going between staring at (the) Loki(s) and trying to keep 'Darcy' from messing with anything. Not that it was working all that well.

(Their) Stark and Banner were also conversing quietly between themselves. Cap looked a little constipated, like he wanted to chime in but held himself back.

Sniffles had resumed the fetal position and occasionally bemoaned his pain to no one listening. Sleep-deprived had his eyes closed, but Clint was pretty sure he was still awake. Banner, at least, had checked out the concussion. It was mild and he wouldn't even need to see the medics.

All in all, completely uneventful, given the circumstances, and Clint didn't know if he was relieved or disappointed.

After landing the quinjet, Rogers led them out the back, keeping an eye on Loki(s?) because it didn't matter if he was from another dimension or not- Loki was Loki.

They made their way into the building, ignoring the looks they were getting. And they were getting a lot.

It wasn't everyday you paraded around four Starks, a Loki, and two cats, after all.

Hill met up with them before they could get to the elevator.

"Nothing can ever be easy with you, can it?" She sighed, "Fury's waiting."

Of course he was. Because he obviously already knew the situation. Somehow. (Probably Natasha…)

Still, they followed Hill to a meeting room with a large round table. Fury was standing in front of it, arms crossed, all menacing like.

It would have been more intimidating if Sniffles hadn't chose that time to sneeze down Clint's neck.

"Aw, gross!" He jumped away, hand going to rub his neck before could think better of it. Making a face, he rubbed his hand on his pants, "I really hope you aren't contagious." He glared.

The answering, _evil_ , cackle from the sickly Stark was not comforting, _at all_ , to say the least.

Fury sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, "Sit."

They did so, though some only did begrudgingly (Loki, half the Starks. The other half hadn't wanted to be walking in the first place.). Thor sat Darcy on the table, Loki did the same with… Loki. They seemed to unconsciously arrange themselves with one universe on one side, and all the _other_ universes on the other side. Fury and Hill remained standing.

"So, does anyone want to tell me how what should have been a simple assignment landed me with four times the headache?" Fury asked lightly, looking between the Starks near the end.

"Hey!" (Loki's) Stark and (their) Stark protested, the only two conscious enough to do so.

"I feel discriminated against," (Loki's) Stark stated, "I'm not even from this universe! I could be a _dream_ to work with, you don't even know." He huffed, crossing his arms.

"He's not." Loki deadpanned. He got elbowed for his troubles.

"Shut up, you. You're supposed to be on my side."

"Well, I am not going to lie."

"You're a Liesmith! You are literally the god of lies!"

Clint watched the two bicker for a moment… then a wave of dread washed over him as he finally realized what had been bothering him about the pair "Oh God, you two are _dating_!" He needed brain bleach, just the _thought_ -

They looked up from their obviously-familiar argument to see everyone looking at them. All the other Starks and cat-Loki seemed especially disturbed by the revelation.

"Y'know what?" (Loki's) Stark finally spoke up, "You are all extremely judge-y," Loki gave a heaved-upon sigh and rolled his eyes.

"What, are you saying that your universe accepts this?" Clint asked, incredulous.

The Stark paused, "Well, actually they don't know." He scratched his chin, "Alternate-you is especially jumpy whenever Loki's around, tries to shoot him. I'm kinda surprised _you_ didn't, if I'm honest."

Clint had wanted to so badly- "Of course I would be jumpy! He tried to take over the world!"

"That's not even his fault!"

"How is that not his-!"

"We're off topic." Fury cut in, turning to Rogers. "Well, Captain?"

Rogers shifted and cleared his throat, "Well, we actually don't know how they got here, other than that it might be somehow tied to the earthquakes. If we're to believe Loki, (that got him a few glares) then they all come from different dimensions, but the how and why…" he trailed off and rubbed the back of his neck, "We have no clue."

Fury suppressed a sigh, then turned to the unknowns in the room, "Anything you'd like to say about yourselves?" He scolded.

Sniffles grunted, "I hope tomorrow you all have the Flu-From-Hell," he coughed and pulled his knees to his chest, grumbling.

Okay then.

"Can I just say," Their Stark started in, Natasha rolled her eyes and Cap sighed, "That I am incredibly handsome."

"I second that!" Loki's Stark grinned, pointing at his alternate, "Loki does, too, but he's shy." Said god turned his eyes to the ceiling, probably questioning why he was with Stark right now.

Or maybe Clint's projecting his own thoughts.

"My brother is anything but shy," Thor claimed.

"Well, it's a good thing this isn't your brother then, isn't it."

"This is pointless," Cap sighed.

"Shows what you know," Their Stark –they needed to address the name thing, soon- said "Hey! I have an idea!" He turned to the rest of the table, "Let's play 'how many universes is Captain America a dick in?', show of hands!" He raised his own.

Loki's Stark raised his hand first, taking Loki's hand and raising it too, despite the fact that they came from the same place, Sniffles was next, followed by Loki-the-cat (who raised his paw rather adamantly), even Darcy did so after some hesitation.

"It's unanimous! You are a dick in every universe!" Their Stark told Rogers. Rogers raised an eyebrow, amused.

"You might want to count again."

Clint furrowed his brows, mentally counting himself before his eyes widened. Everyone seemed to get at the same time, turning in unison to look at the sleep-deprived Stark, who stared back a little alarmed.

"What? No! He's concussed, he doesn't count!"

"I think he does," Rogers replied, looking way too pleased with himself.

Their Stark growled, pointing at his alternate self "Hey you, me, why didn't you raise your hand, huh?"

The other Stark shrugged, "Steve's not so bad, once you get to know him."

Sick-Stark choked and started coughing, "Am I hallucinating? I feel like I'm hallucinating," He told the group, placing a hand on his own forehead, "I must be sicker than I thought. Stupid Thor."

Thor gave a confused, kicked puppy look.

"Not you. Other you. Alterna-You. Alterna-You is an asshole." He half-assured, rubbing his nose with his sleeve.

"No, seriously," Sleep-deprived brought the conversation back, "Sure we fight, but it's not like we hate each other."

Rogers' smug look grew with every word, which is why it was so amusing to see it fall.

(Or it would have been, had Clint not needed more brain bleach.)

"My only complaint is that he's a _major_ cover hog,"

…

 _Ew!_

"You slept with Cap?" Their Stark hissed, shocked and disgusted at the mere thought, trying to inch away from both Rogers and his alternate at the same time.

Tired-Stark blinked, "Yes?" He asked more than stated, looking around, confused, "I've slept with a version everyone in this room –well not Loki, but, yeah... I don't see the big deal."

There was silence as the information sunk in.

"Let's never speak of this ever." Clint finally proposed.

There was a course of agreement. Even Hill and Fury.

Tired-Stark furrowed his brow looking even more bewildered. He opened his mouth-

"Ever."

-Shut it, then crossed his arms and sat back in his chair with a pout.

"Does anyone have anything _relevant_ to add?" Fury asked, rubbing his temple.

Clint decided now was a good a time as any, "What are we gonna call them? There are four Stark's and two Loki's, I'm getting a headache just thinking about it."

"Not my problem. Anything else?"

"Now, hang on," Loki's Stark started, "I think we should get to pick our own monikers. Mine will be 'God of Awesome', naturally." He smirked.

Sniffles Snorted. "More like 'Loki's Bitch'."

Clint snickered. Loki's Bitch. It was perfect. That was now his name.

Loki's Bitch gave an insulted look, "Hey!"

"Let's put it to a vote," Clint proposed, smirking himself.

"This is not a democracy!" Loki's Bitch tried to argue.

Too late.

"I think it suits you," Natasha told him lightly.

"This is so not fair." He stated, sulking back in his seat.

"Our universe, our rules." Their Stark said plainly, shrugging in a 'what are you gonna do' manner.

"Fine," He turned to his sickly counterpart, "Then you're 'Whiny ass bastard'."

"Fuck you,"

"That's Loki's job," He paused and looked over at said demigod, "Hey, would that count as cheating or masturbating?"

Loki ignored the question, instead focusing on the situation at hand, "That title is too long for casual conversation. Think of something else."

"Because you're going to be talking to him in casual conversation?"

"What about Sniffles?" Clint proposed as Loki and his Bitch descended into another argument. He got a few strange looks.

"Sniffles?" Banner asked, just to confirm.

Clint nodded.

"Well, alright then."

Sniffle glared, "I hate all of you."

"Darcy doesn't really need a new name, since there's only one of her here right now," Rogers stated. Darcy face fell at not getting her own nickname, "and whatever you call 'Cat Loki' is gonna be pretty self explanatory, I think."

"And Loki is Loki, so that really only leaves him," Clint said, motioning at Sleep-deprived.

"Nah, I think I'm good…" He hedged, leaning away from the group. Clint really couldn't blame him.

"What do you call a concussed, sleep-deprived Stark from another universe?" He wondered.

"A walking disaster," Natasha answered.

"I would be offended if it wasn't true." Sleep-deprived sighed.

"We can't exactly call him that," Rogers hesitated, "Can we?"

"I don't even care anymore." The Stark in question mumbled, "I just want to go home."

And that –that was the crux of the situation. The room seemed to drain of all humor.

"Yeah, uh, how exactly are we going to do that?" Loki's Bitch questioned quietly, "Neither of the Loki have any clue what happened, and without knowing, they can't just send us back…"

"SHIELD is already working on it," Fury stated, "We've been monitoring the recent events closely. You shouldn't worry about it."

"Why?" Sniffles suddenly questioned, uncurling, "Why have you been monitoring what to you should have been simple earthquakes? What are you not telling us?"

Fury sighed. Clint sat up straighter.

"Nothing can ever be easy with a Stark." He rubbed his forehead, "It's not important why. Just know that we want you to go back to your universe just as much as you do. Believe me; we don't want you here."

"Yeah, that's not comforting at all." Loki's Bitch glared.

"Just leave it. You'll all be staying here at base until we can sort this whole clusterfuck out. Agent Hill will show you to your rooms –unless you want to spend the remainder of your time here in a cell." He finished when it looked like Stark (any of them) was going to argue. "Now if that's all, get out."

They left. Only the ones that belonged to this universe remained.

"Sir…" Rogers started.

"It's being monitored, Captain. If you need to know something, you will be informed." Then Fury took his leave.

"I don't like this." Stark growled.

Neither did Clint. But they couldn't exactly do anything about it.

Besides, it's not every day you get to mess with a Loki without any repercussions. Clint remembered a cat outfit he'd seen while getting Lucky's Christmas present –at the time he'd thought it was stupid, but now?

He grinned as they filed out of the room. Natasha gave him a warning look, but he didn't care.

This would be fun.

 **A/N: Is that plot in my crack(ish) style of writing? Only a little, I assure you.**


	4. Loki Hates Everything

_Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said: "one_ _can't_ _believe impossible things."  
"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."  
_ _-Through the Looking Glass_

 _ **Loki Hates Everything.**_

 _ **-Line-**_

She would not leave him alone.

Just kept droning on and _on and on_.

Loki tuned back in just as Darcy finished, "-So, yeah, that's how I got here. Hey! I never did hear your story. How did you get here?"

Loki suppressed a sigh and continued to ignore the other feline.

"Awe, come on, _please? Please, please, please, please-"_

Loki whipped around and hissed. "Will you shut up! Do you not have anyone else you could be bothering right now?"

Darcy looked shocked and hurt (Loki refused to feel guilt about it). She tucked her tail and looked down, "No… You're kinda the only one I can talk to until I change back, and no one in this dimension will give me the time of day at all, so…"

So much for not feeling guilt.

Loki sighed, "I was sent here in an earthquake just like everybody else was."

Darcy perked back up, "Yeah, but what were you _doing_?"

So Loki wove a tale full of half-truths and some downright _lies,_ then sent Darcy on her way to annoy somebody, _anybody_ else, with a clear conscience.

Because he apparently had one now.

Sigh.

 **-Line-**

Loki quickly found himself bored. After the agent had shown them their rooms she just left. No rules were assigned.

A mistake this universe had yet to realize.

Still, he sought out the only other remotely sane individual in the building for company, even if said individual was lacking in taste.

The door was cracked slightly. It would seem the alternate Loki was in a hushed conversation with his chosen partner.

Lokitty paused just outside to listen.

" _-Don't you think this is moving a little fast?"_ The Stark stressed.

What was moving fast?

" _I love you, I never want to be without you, does it truly matter how fast it goes?"_

Loki stopped himself from choking. 'Love'? What was his other self _thinking_?

" _A year ago we couldn't stand each other-"_

" _That was a year ago. A_ _ **lifetime**_ _ago." His alternate interjected._

" _-And I love you, too," Stark went right on going, "But you're not just asking for my life, Loki. You're asking me to live for eternity-"_

" _Not eternity. Even I must die, one day."_

Wait… His he hearing what he thinks he's hearing? Is this about an _apple_? What on _earth_ is wrong with the other Loki? He's completely _mad_.

" _A couple of millennia, then."_ Stark conceded _, "You're asking me to watch everyone I care about –besides you, don't give me that look- die before my eyes…"_

" _It's true,"_ The other Loki said, _"that I am being completely selfish in this. But it pains me every day to think that, in just a hand full of years, it will be I that has to watch_ _ **you**_ _die…"_ he sounds so broken, _"I do not think I will survive such a thing."_

There was a pause.

" _That's low,"_

" _And for once, I am completely honest."_

" _What if - in one, two, three hundred years, you decide you don't want me anymore?"_

" _That will be the day I have well and truly lost myself to madness."_

As far as the feline Loki was concerned, that had already happened.

Stark let out a shaky sigh, _"Look, it's not a 'yes', but… it's not a 'no', either. I just… need some time to think, okay?"_

Movement that could have been nodding, _"Take all the time you need, my Love."_

Stark snorted, but there was no humor in the action, _"You are such a sap,"_

The other Loki chuckled with just has little humor, _"Only for you."_

Stark started making his way toward the door. Lokitty runs around the corner to hide. He watched the Stark exit, saw him pause to lean on the wall with a pinched, torn expression, before a mask settled over him and he continued down the hall.

The cat slunk back over to the door after the man left. It was more open than before, the Stark not even trying to shut it. Loki was able to see inside.

This was turning out to be a depressing day, Loki decided, as he watched the man he no longer saw in the mirror sit heavily on the bed.

" _Only for you,_ " He repeated to himself with a sigh, rubbing his face tiredly. He lied down and closed his eyes.

" _Only for you…"_

Cat Loki crept away. He had much to think about, it would seem.

How, in another universe, had he become that?

 **-Line-**

Of course, he didn't get far before he had to run for his life.

Well, his dignity, but in this instance it was the same thing, really.

"You're a lot quicker than you have any right to be!" Barton shouted, slightly out of breath, waving around _The Outfit_ as he chased after Loki.

Could he not catch a break?

Not that it mattered. Loki has spent much of his time as a feline running from this very situation, knows every trick, has raised his stamina to out run even the fastest of Avengers and SHIELD agents alike.

This Barton is sloppy, at best.

As he was turning a corner he stupidly looked back at his pursuer, possibly to taunt-

-and ran straight into another enemy.

The Widow grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and held him at arm's length. Loki felt his body go lax without his consent. Still, he listened.

"Really, Barton?" She asked flatly.

"C'mon Nat, you know it would be hilarious." The idiot whined.

"Are you _trying_ to cause an inter-dimensional incident?" She questioned, "What if his universes Thor shows up and doesn't take kindly to having his brother humiliated?"

Loki held back a snort.

Barton gave her puppy-dog eyes, " _Please_ , Natasha?"

Loki felt the grip on his neck tighten before the woman sighed.

"Fine. But it's your funeral."

No. No, no, _no, no, no. Please,_ no.

"You were never here." Barton agreed. Loki started to struggle even as he was passed over.

The woman left along with any chance of escape Loki had. Barton held him up to eye level.

"I know you're from a different universe, and all," He smirked, lifting the ridiculous cape and helmet up, "But I'll take what I can get."

Loki hated everything.

 **A/N: And there you have it. Loki/Tony kind of took over. Sorry, if you're just here for the cat's. Darcy still gets her own chapter, and you may see bits of the two of them from other POV's. I never realized how much I love Loki/Tony, because I don't really like their series all that much (maybe I'll do an AU/prequel of how their relationship happened…).**

 **RL: My twin is addicted to Candy-Crush… I don't even know –is it possible to come back from that? I feel she may be lost forever.**


	5. Brother My Brother

_One thing was certain, that the_ _white_ _kitten had had nothing to do with it: — it was the black kitten's fault entirely. –Through the Looking Glass_

 **Brother my Brother (Blessed Union Souls)**

Loki hadn't been lying there long when there was a soft, hesitant knock on the doorframe.

Loki sat up. The door was already opened, Tony having not closed it on his way out. Thor (this version of him, anyway) stood in the threshold, looking so incredibly out of place.

"May I come in?" He asked, grip tightening ever so slightly where he help the doorframe.

Loki raised an eyebrow and swung his legs over the side of the bed, "Since when do you ask?"

Thor shifted a little and looked down. Loki hated that he still felt like he kicked a puppy every time his broth- Thor did things like that.

Loki sighed, "Fine. But make it quick." And it really wasn't anything against Thor, really. In fact, he and the Asgardian had weekly meetings per Tony's demands. And he hadn't been able to deny that mortal anything lately.

Loki was just having a rather _rough_ day. He was exhausted.

Thor stepped in and, after a moment, sat down on the bed. He kept his distance though, which Loki appreciated. It was something the Thor of his realm has yet to grasp.

"Well," He prompted when Thor didn't speak up. Another thing his Thor had yet to understand: silence.

Thor opened his mouth then closed it right after. He seemed to think his words through before finally speaking.

"How are you like this?"

Well, it _is_ still Thor. It was never going to be the most intellectual of conversations.

"I'm not sure I understand." Loki replied airily.

Thor gripped his fist and released it in an obvious act to control his temper, "How you are so calm and not –mad? It cannot be that mortal, surely." He reasoned.

"Oh, but surely it can," Loki hummed and looked away to stare at the wall, "For I was angry and already lost to insanity. I had no qualms with lying with a mortal, and he certainly wasn't complaining."

Thor made a face, "I do not understand," he started, "Are you saying that the only reason my brother is lost to madness is because he is… deprived?"

Loki kept himself from face-palming but couldn't stop the eye-roll "Well, it wouldn't hurt." He deadpanned, then seeing that Thor was taking it more seriously than he had intended, he added "But no, that's not what I meant."

"It is certainly what it sounded like," Thor accused.

"Well I wasn't finished," Loki huffed, "What I was saying was that while it did indeed start out as nothing more than sex, to either of us, it has since grown to something… more. -And if you say you don't understand I will have no qualms kicking you out. I am not finished yet, still." He threatened when he saw Thor open his mouth.

Thor closed it, but the look he was giving said it all.

"As I was saying… I didn't know what I had, what I felt, until I was about to lose it. Anthony, despite his exterior, is an extremely insecure person. He has been burned many times and I am surprised it took him so long to get rid of me in the first place, if I am honest." Loki was sure his face had gone soft to match the tone, but hardly cared, "I had to confront what I had felt or risk losing what at the time was literally my only reason for living; I chose the first option, and you're still not getting it are you?" He asked, exasperated.

"No," Thor said slowly, "I don't –I don't think I am. If what you are saying is true than how come I, your _brother_ , was unable to reach you when the mortal that foiled your plans was? I don't understand, Loki."

Loki looked down, "I don't understand it, either," He admitted, twisting his hands in a nervous tick, "For I have loved you all of my life,"

Thor perked up,

"But then, I have _hated you_ just the same."

Then fell, shoulders slumped.

"And I was having trouble identifying the more intricate of emotions then, all of it overpowered with anger. It is only just recently that I have managed to feel happiness again, and it is indeed because of my mortal." He finished, and looked up at this version of Thor.

There was a war going on behind Thor's eyes before he finally asked what he had set out to ask in the first place, somewhat hesitant: "You and I -my alternate- what is your relationship with him?"

It was Loki's turn to hesitate, "I'm not… entirely sure, myself. My relationship with you- _him_ has always been strange." Thor nodded slowly but didn't comment. Loki continued "At first I'm sure it was similar to your relationship with the Loki of this world, I was angry and you were angry and we couldn't go one minute together without fighting,"

"And who's fault was that, Loki?" Thor asked, his rained in ire peeking out.

"Mine." Loki watched all the anger and self-depreciation bleed out to shock.

"What?" Thor asked, obviously not expecting that answer.

Loki smirked ruefully, "Indeed. At this point I had wanted nothing more than for you to feel what I had felt –the rage and the pain and the hate. I had wanted you to hate **me** , Thor."

Thor's voice wavered as he processed the information, "Why? Why would you want such a thing?"

Loki took a breath and released it slowly, "Because I hated myself? Believe it or not, I am capable of guilt, though I thought myself immune at the time. I thought myself the monster under the bed, and I wanted you to think that too. I wanted to be validated in the grief I didn't even know I was feeling."

The hug came out of nowhere, though Loki really should have seen it coming.

"I could never hate you." Thor stated with conviction, tightening his grip "I may hate your actions, but never you."

"Yes, I'm starting to see that," Loki winced, trying to breath.

Thor ignored him, "When I look at you I see no monster, but my baby brother who I _love dearly_. Perhaps I have not always been clear with that, but I **do.** "

"Not your brother," Loki pushed him back, trying hard to ignore the downtrodden, agonized look, "I am not the one you should be saying this to."

Thor looked pained, "But how? You said it yourself –we're always fighting. It is not your –his fault, entirely. I have a temper (-Loki snorted-) and I have very little control over it, no matter how I try."

There was silence and Loki looked thoughtful.

"I… may have solution. It will drive him completely insane –more so than he already is- but he'll eventually run out of steam, I'm sure."

"Really?" Thor asked, daring to hope.

Loki nodded and hummed a smile, "Yes, you see… about four months ago I got; let's say _angsty,_ shall we? I had been making such good progress, and then it was just gone. I was angry again, I didn't know why. I still don't. I tried to push everyone away. I tried to push Tony away," his smile took on an edge of wistfulness, "he wouldn't let me. Every time I tried to start an argument he always replied the same."

"What did he say?" Thor questioned, maybe a little desperate after he saw where this was going.

Loki turned his smile to Thor,

"I love you."

Thor felt his breath leave him. Loki hadn't spoken those words to him since they were children.

He didn't know if it was the answer or a declaration.

(…But then, neither did Loki.)

 **A/N: So there's that. Next up is Darcy-Kitty! Sorry it so long, but I started exercising recently and I hadn't realized how much time and energy it would take out of me. I am exhausted.**

 **P.S. Just because I don't reply doesn't mean I don't love you. I also appreciate my silent readers, being one myself. Know that no matter how little or how many reviews I get, I love you guys!**


	6. Worth It

" _A cat may look at a king," said Alice. "I've read that in some book, but I don't remember where." –Alice's Adventures in Wonderland._

 **-Line-**

 **Worth It**

After leaving Loki-the-Cat to his moody wallowing, Darcy found herself bored. That wasn't unusual when she was cat, as after the thrill of _being_ a cat wore off there wasn't much for her to really do.

She understood now why cats spent most of their time asleep, because beyond the occasional burst of energy at three in the morning that made her want to run as far and fast she could in five seconds and then sit in front of a vent and meow loudly for no other reason than for the tower occupants to wake up and know she existed.

And then she acted innocent and blasé the next day, whether she was still a cat or not. Just 'cause she could.

But she had no desire to run right now; in fact she had very little desire to do anything.

That's right, Darcy didn't want to do anything, despite the fact that she was in a totally different universe, which should be awesome, and it is, sorta, but after the whole 'cat' thing doesn't really impress her and all the Tony's seem pretty much the same, and while one Loki being a cat is kinda cool, it's still Loki and he's still an ass, and the other Loki doesn't respond to her _at all_ , and it's _boring_ here, and-

Darcy paused mid-step. She stared at the Stark (she was pretty sure it was Sniffles, if the way he kept sniffling and grumbling to himself was anything to go by) as he brooded by the coffee machine, waiting for it to fill up.

Good luck; that's a SHIELD issued machine.

Still, an idea came to her. All the Starks were basically the same –which means that anything that unnerves her worlds will probably unnerve this one, too.

It was always fun to creep on the Avengers. It was harder now that they've gotten used to her.

She pouted at the thought, and then shook her head to clear it. Stay focused Darcy! (Sort of) New victim to terrorize _right there_.

She practically bounced into the wreck-room. Sniffles had yet to notice her, too busy cursing the terrible technology. Darcy silently hopped on the table to stare at the back of his head, and waited to be noticed.

It took a whole minute for him to notice, probably because he was sick, but even then it was just him tensing, having felt a tingling, _unsettling,_ sensation down his neck. He rubbed at it a little before pausing. Slowly, he turned until he was fully facing the feline.

…

"…What?" He asked, leaning back and away from Darcy.

Darcy, though laughing on the inside -because this was extremely fun and amusing, and _have you ever just_ _ **stared**_ at a person?-, remained stoic; blank-faced and wide eyed, not moving an inch.

Sniffles twitched at the continued silence. "Is there something you wanted? Like, I know you can't talk, but you could meow or, or point or something…" he trailed.

Darcy did nothing.

"…Are you messing with me? Is that what's going on?" He whined, "Because that is so not cool. The last time an animal stared at me like that I ended up attacked by radioactive zebras…" He trailed off into a mumble that sounded something like _'because all the other animals are_ _ **overused**_ _, right, let's just use_ _zebras_ _, makes since, why not…'_ the rest of it Darcy couldn't catch, but it was off topic anyway and kind of making her annoyed, but Tony only really rambled- well he always rambled, but he only rambled like _this_ when he was uncomfortable.

Still, Darcy did nothing.

When Sniffles finally came back from wherever that train of thought took him he noticed Darcy still looking at him.

…

"You're mean." He stated calmly before fleeing the room. Coffee left untouched.

Darcy waited until she couldn't hear him anymore before laughing so hard she fell off the table.

 **-Line-**

Darcy was feeling better then she had since the earthquake. She doubted that there was anything that would make her happier right now-

-But she could be wrong. She's been wrong before –actually she's definitely wrong because that. That was making her day all over again.

"Stop moving!" Barton attempted to pin down the wiggling black mass that was Loki, "You act like I'm trying to kill you, or something!"

Kill him with embarrassment, maybe.

Darcy's tail twitched and she purred in an equivalence to snickers as she watched the other feline be forced into a (rather adorable, she wished she had her phone) outfit. She felt smug, because she herself had never been forced to wear anything as a cat.

Which- actually kinda sucked, when she thought about it. She would look so _cute_ and/or awesome depending on what she was put in, if they, y'know, actually _put her in something_.

Her mood is dead. The only way to make up for it is to tease Loki to no end. Because he's a dick, anyway, and probably deserves it.

She waited for the archer to let Loki go, now dressed in a plastic rendition of his own horny (haha) helmet and green cape.

Darcy was jealous.

She kept her voice light, though "Nice duds, Kitten,"

Loki tensed up from where he was turned away from her.

"Now is not the time, Lewis." He growled, and balled up.

"But you're so _adorable_ ; I wish I had my phone –eek!"

Loki had whipped around and started running at her. Darcy scrambling back before she turned and ran for what possibly could be her life.

Worth it.

 **A/N: I don't have a lot to say about this, just that it seems more like the one-shots this hailed from, I think. The next chapter (sick-Tony) will be –to me- the most like its origin story, I think. Probably. Anyway, see ya then!**


	7. Phil Coulson isn't Paid Enough

" _But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.  
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."  
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.  
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."_ - _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland,_

 _ **-Line-**_

 **Phil Coulson isn't Paid Enough**

This universe was stupid.

Earthquakes were stupid, dimension travel was stupid, this flu was _the king of stupid_ , that cat was _Stupid_ , and right now, **everything** was fucking _stupid_.

He didn't even get to drink his fucking _coffee_.

Tony stalked down the hallway grumbling under his breath and possibly scaring the interns. He paused and glared at one such unsuspecting SHIELD agent.

"You!" Tony shouted, causing the poor guy to jump and nearly lose the papers he was carrying. He looked around then pointed to himself in a 'who me?' gesture, which Tony would've found amusing had he not felt like crawling into a dark abyss right about now.

"Uh, do you mean me, Mr. Stark?"

Tony growled, "Yes, you! Do you see anybody else around here? That was rhetorical." He deadpanned when the agent looked like he was about to look around _again_ , and strode toward the agent. "Gimme your phone. Now." He tacked on when the guy hesitated.

Agent-man squeaked and fumbled for his pockets. "A flip-phone?" Tony accused in disgust, "Seriously? You know what? Doesn't matter -hand it over." He snatched the outdated tech out of the now panicky man.

He flipped the phone open and told the agent to 'scram' while he dialed a number by heart and retreated to the only place in this _stupid_ building that wouldn't have any security cameras.

A janitor's closet.

Don't judge him.

He growled from where he sat on a bucket when all he got was dial tone.

He redialed. No Answer.

He redialed _again_ , and waited.

Third ring there was finally a click, and a familiar voice sounded through the speaker, _"I don't know who you are or how you got this number but-"_

"Coulson!" Tony cut in, not wanting to hear that particular rant again, _at all_ , in his lifetime. Ever.

There was a silence.

"… _Stark?_ "

"Yes. Well, sort of." He wasn't entirely sure if he still counted, what with dimension travel and all. Somewhere in that range though, probably.

" _How did you- you're not supposed to know that I'm even_ alive _. Wait, what do you mean 'sort of'?"_ Agent questioned tensely.

Tony blinked, "What, really? I'm not supposed to –what year is this?" He looked around as if the closet would tell him anything about the time and place he was currently in.

" _Stark_. _What do you mean 'sort of'? The year? Have you been drinking? Where are you right now?_ " Agent shot out rapidly.

"I'm in a closet right now." Tony answered, "I'm not actually from this universe, so 'Sort of' comes into place," He continued, "As for drinking, I wish. Really, I do."

He really, _really_ did.

There was sigh on the other end of the call, _"Honestly, I'm not even surprised. Have you contacted SHIELD, or was I your first call?"_

Tony was a little miffed that not only had Coulson _not_ mentioned the closet at all, but had also implied that he would be Tony's first call if he ever go into to trouble.

Not that it wasn't true -case and point, this conversation, but it still irked him.

"If it makes you feel any better, I am currently in SHIELD HQ."

" _It does, actually. I assume the Director as everything under control. Now why did you call me?"_

Oh, right.

"Darcy's being mean to me!" He whined, clutching the phone close to his face.

Silence. Then, " _What?_ "

"Darcy. She is a cat, who is being mean to me. And it's not just her, either! _I'm_ being mean to me, too! All three of me! And everyone keeps calling me sniffles because I'm sick -those assholes- and you need to come back from whatever hell-hole you're hiding in and make them stop!" His words came out quicker and louder as he spoke until he was near shouting at the end.

"… _I think I'm missing something. There are three of you?"_ Coulson sounded calm, but Tony could detect a small amount of panic.

"Really, that's what you take away from that?" Tony asked incredulously, "And there's currently four of me, if you count, well, me." He huffed.

" _Riiight, listen Stark, I need to make a call-"_

"Wait! You can't hang up! I haven't told you about the two Loki's yet!" Tony crowed.

" _And now I definitely need to make that call."_ That was undeniably panic this time, _"It involves national security._ "

"But-" There was click, signifying the end of the call. Tony grumbled.

Asshole. See if Tony ever called him ever again.

"This _sucks_."

 **A/N: There are two versions of this chapter. I like this one better, myself, hence why I'm posting it. But. Yeah. Hope you like it ^.^'**


	8. One More (Is Never Enough)

" _Really, now you ask me," said Alice, very much confused, "I don't think-"  
"Then you shouldn't talk," said the Hatter. - Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_

 **-Line-**

 **One More (Is Never Enough)**

It was just so _beige._ The ceiling that is.

Tony –the walking disaster- had immediately collapsed onto 'his' bed after Hill had left. He'd tried to sleep, but after recent events there seemed to be too much adrenaline in his system for him to properly shut down.

And there was no one to snuggle… Because that, as it turns out, was a thing now.

He'd been lying there for about an hour, just staring at the ceiling, when he finally remembered coffee existed.

"Son of a bitch."

 **-Line-**

He wandered into the break room and made a B-line for the coffeepot, ignoring the rooms other occupants.

Mmmm… still hot.

He breathed in the sweet, sweet scent of caffeine, at this point not even caring that it tasted like SHIELD issued dirt, and took a large gulp.

Suck on that, Bruce. No one was gonna monitor his intake _here_.

Draining his first cup, Tony quickly got another. Deciding to relish the second one he leaned back into the counter and finally acknowledged the rest of the room. They were all staring at him with amused expressions.

Well, Clint and the other him(s) were amused. Natasha rolled her eyes in an 'I'm-surrounded-by-idiots' way, Cap did the same thing only in sigh form, and who even knew what this Bruce was thinking. He looked like he was trying to disappear, which was weird because he stopped doing that about the third time Tony blew up the lab with him in it.

Not always on purpose, but what can you do?

Tony blinked, coming back to himself. "What?"

"Nothing," One of the other Tony's said, shaking his head in amusement. He couldn't tell them apart because neither was sniffling and there was no Loki in sight.

"We were just trying to figure out what nefarious plot ol' Nicky was up to, why don't you join us?" The other one offered.

" _They_." Steve stressed, " _They_ were trying to figure out the 'nefarious' plot. I have nothing to do with it, and I really wish you wouldn't drag me into these things." He told one of the Tony's. That must be this universes Stark.

Tony decided to refer to him as Alterna-Tony so there was no confusion.

"I _have_ been wondering about that." Tony mused as he sat down at the table. Now armed with an almost sufficient caffeine intake, and dull throb instead of a jackhammer in his head, his mind was pretty clear.

" _So have I_ ," Both Stark's answered.

Clint made a face, "That's fucking creepy, stop it."

"I mean," Loki's Bitch started, flipping Clint off absently, "What were you guys even doing out there? Fury might have said he was 'monitoring the situation', but I doubt even he was expecting this to happen." He asked, addressing the locals in the room.

Steve looked taken aback and Natasha's face blanked but it was Bruce who answered (which was surprising, given his I'm-just-here-as-a-spectator vides he was sending out).

"We were just supposed to get some readings on the energy spikes caused by the earthquakes. Or, at least that's what we were told, anyway." He shrugged, "But something tells me that was lie."

"They told you they were sending you guys out," Loki's Bitch started slowly, "To monitor energy spikes. And you believed them." He stated incredulously.

"…Not really, but it's not like we had a choice." Clint answered.

"They probably _were_ just sent out to get readings," Tony said. At the 'are you insane?' looks he got he elaborated, "It sounds like the small fry crap Fury used to send my team on. He knew we could work together under world ending pressure- but normal, everyday stuff? Not so much. Probably a test gone wrong. How long have you guys been an actual team, not counting the Battle of Manhattan?" He asked.

Tony could practically hear the clogs turning.

"This was our first mission." Natasha finally answered, her voice decisively blank.

"Yeah," Tony drawled, "Get used to really boring ass assignments for awhile, then. And you," He pointed at Alterna-Tony, "You might want to speed up construction on the tower if you haven't already."

"I know I'm not gonna like the answer to this, but why?" The other Tony asked, dread seeping into his voice.

"Let me just say 'Permanent Bonding Sleepover' and leave it at that."

"Well that sounds… awful." Bruce sighed, massaging his temple.

"Oh, go on. Tell me how you really feel." Alterna-Tony deadpanned. Bruce gave him an apologetic look.

Tony went to take a sip of his coffee only to find it empty. He got up to refill it.

Then two blurs came zooming past him.

"Whoa!" He clutched his empty cup to his chest as the two chased each other around the table, then up his vacated chair and _on_ the table. before hopping across to the counter, jumping the sink and-

" _No!"_ All three Tony's cried in unison, but it was too late. The blurs ran past the coffeepot, knocking the last bit of Tony's happiness to the ground where it shattered into a million pieces.

No exaggeration.

They continued on back out of the room, as if they hadn't crushed Tony's very soul in a matter of seconds.

Clint broke the silence, "…What the hell?"

Feeling the tears prickling at the edge of his eyes Tony decided to excuse himself, "I think I'm going to go take a nap."

He left in a zombie like state, in shock at the horror he had witnessed, still clutching the empty cup. He ignored the SHIELD agents he passed as he wandered back to the barracks.

He had only had two cups. The pot had had so much more to offer.

He opened the door and had about two seconds to realize, 'hey, this isn't my room' before he was smacked in the face with flying toilet paper.

"Get out, I'm wallowing!"

Tony shut the door before he could get hit again, this time with a can of air freshener. It whammed into the door with a resounding 'thud'.

Well, he'd found Sniffles.

What was he doing in a closet? Actually, Tony couldn't say anything –he'd slept in one before.

Not the most comfortable, since it was Pepper's closet. So many heels in all the wrong places.

What was he thinking about again? Oh, right. Sleep.

He needed more than two cups of coffee.

When he finally found his room he curled up in a miserable ball around the mug under the scratchy blanket. He missed team cuddles, even if he'd never admit it out loud.

Still, five minutes later, he started to drift off, almost asleep-

The door slammed open.

Fuck everything.

 **A/N: An Early birthday present to myself. My birthday is tomorrow (I'll be eighteen. Woo! Legal!). I may post another one then if I feel up to it.**


	9. Bets and Measuring Sticks

_The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.  
"Begin at the beginning," the King said gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."_  
 _-Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_

 **-Line-**

 **Bets and Measuring Sticks.**

Clint watched as the last few people trickled in and took their seats in a similar manor as when they were all assembled here not five hours ago.

He took in their appearances as only he could; he noted how Loki and his Bitch were acting apprehensive around each other. A domestic dispute, probably.

Darcy and Cat-Loki were put at opposite ends of the round table, glaring at each other, the air tense between them. Given that Loki had been chasing Darcy the last he'd saw them, it wasn't hard to figure out why.

Sniffles and Walking Disaster seemed to have formed some kind of camaraderie, fumbling in together and complaining about how the universe wasn't fair and cursing SHIELD as a whole.

Alternatively, those from this dimension were watching all of them with either weary or amused looks.

When Fury finally came into the room he was grumbling under his breath, and Clint thought he might have heard Phil's name (and just the thought caused a thrum of pain in his chest) but it wasn't likely.

Fury glared at Sniffles, who stared back unrepentantly (Clint doubted he knew why he was being glared at, probably didn't care), and took his place at the head of the table, Hill beside him.

"Since the first earthquake happened SHIELD has been getting strange transmissions from an unknown source, every quake there's a new transmission, and we have reason to believe that it's coming from another universe not unlike the once you are all from." Fury addressed the Alternate-side.

"And that helps us how," W-D (Walking Disaster) moped, leaning his face against his fist.

Fury raised an eyebrow, "It helps you because we think it's how you all got sent here in the first place. Up 'till now SHIELD has been unable to fully make contact with whatever was sending the transmissions."

"Why didn't you ask me and Banner for help?" Stark questioned.

'Because you weren't needed. SHILED scientists are some of the greatest minds on the planet; they didn't need your help. Can I continue, or does your Highness have something else to add?"

Stark snorted but didn't say anything else.

Fury didn't roll his eyes (err, 'eye') but from his face it was a close thing, "Now you've all been called here because there will be another transmission soon and they believe we now have the means to answer it."

About that time the room began to harshly shake and tremble. SHIELD lackeys and scientist scuttled about with laptops and equipment.

It was over as soon as it had started.

"We got it!" One of the scientists shouted. A large screen lowered from the ceiling. Everyone turned to look at it.

At first it was just static and snow. Clint was about to snark something about being 'premature' when the screen buzzed before clearing up.

A dark haired woman (who was _really_ hot) appeared, clicking away at her keyboard, "Did it work? I think it worked." She said to herself. When she looked up, she winced, "Hi, yeah, sorry. This was my fault." She motioned at the alternate-group.

"Who are you?" Fury demanded.

She raised an eyebrow, "You don't recognize me? I'm hurt." Warning bells started going off in Clint's head.

She tipped her head in way of a bow, "Toni Stark; genius, billionaire, playgirl, philanthropist. I would say it's a pleasure, but I'd be lying."

The room groaned in unison.

Fury pinched his nose and mumbled a "Why is it always Stark?" then louder, "What did you do?"

Stark, ( _the girl, what the fuck?)_ winced again and cleared her throat, "Oh, you know. Drunk science. It was all Bruce's fault!"

" _What was all my fault?"_ Another _female_ voice said from the monitor, "Oh, you made contact." Another pretty face appeared next to Toni's, most likely Bruce (and now that Clint knew who they were he was kind of conflicted).

"Can you fix it?" Fury jumped right to the point before anything more could be said.

Bruce (the girl, not Banner. Well, probably Banner, but,) face turned weary. "Yes. And we are so sorry for all the trouble we've caused, really. We had been trying to teleport _ourselves;_ I'm not sure what went wrong-"

"I don't think they care, Brucie." Toni cut in. Bruce nodded, cleared her throat, and turned back to them, "Just give us five minutes. Now that we know where you all are it won't be a problem. Hopefully." The she disappeared out of view from the monitor.

"So," Toni drawled, leaning back in her chair, "Give it to me straight –I'm a guy aren't I?"

"Yes."

She sighed.

"Shouldn't you be helping?" Cap asked disapprovingly.

She snorted, "Bruce can handle it herself, thank you. Oh hey! Is Bruce a guy? I've always wanted to know what she would look like with a mustache!"

Clint couldn't help the surprised laugh that escaped him. Banner tried to disappear into his seat.

She pouted, "I just lost twenty, didn't I?"

"Yeah," Clint chuckled, "But what's twenty dollars to a millionaire?"

"Twenty _thousand_ dollars." She corrected.

Banner choked.

"Don't feel bad. I'm sure whatever Natasha does with it will be extremely fun for your counterpart." She giggled.

(It was terrifying)

"…Natasha?" Banner finally found his voice.

"The _sexiest_ couple I have ever seen."

Natasha gave Banner a side glance.

Ooookay. That was too much for Clint's brain right now.

"Hey, before you send us all home," Loki's Bitch started, "Can you answer a question?"

"Huh, sure. But I doubt you'll remember much when we send you back." She shrugged.

He waved her off, "That's fine. It'll bring me closure for right now."

"Fire away, then."

"In your universe, how much of a dick is Captain America?" He asked solemnly.

Cap groaned. Everyone that wasn't Fury and Hill looked on in amusement.

Toni seemed startled by the question, "I'm not sure, he won't let me measure."

Before Clint's brain could fully comprehend that answer Bruce was saying she was done and everyone was scrambling to get into position.

Then a button was being pushed and the earth was shaking and it was over as soon as it had had started.

And they were all gone.

And if Clint ever saw any of them again, it would be _too soon_.

 **A/N: Not edited, because I'm lazy. Sorry if it seemed rushed or forced, I'm just not feeling it. Next up is the prologue and this will be finished.**


	10. No Place Like Home

" _Well, in our country," said Alice, still panting a little, "you'd generally get to somewhere else — if you ran very fast for a long time, as we've been doing."  
"A slow sort of country!" said the Queen. "Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!"_  
 _-Through the Looking Glass_

 _ **-Line-**_

 _ **No Place Like Home**_

 _ **-Line-**_

"Fuck, Tony!" Rhodey cursed, staring into the empty bedroom, "Jarvis call-"

Rhodey had to shield his eyes from the sudden flash of light followed by a resounding 'oof'.

He reopened his eyes slowly an saw, there on the bed groaning and trying to curl up into the fetal position, was Tony.

"What the hell, man!" He ran over to check on his friend, "Where'd you go?"

Tony blinked, staring at the ceiling, "I. Have no fucking clue."

 **-Line-**

"If Loki is not here," Thor cut in quietly, "Than where is he?"

Steve opened his mouth to say… He didn't know what. Something reassuring, probably, when there was a blinding flash of light.

He blinked the spots away. When he was finally able to see properly again his eyes zeroed in on-

"Brother!"

Loki, who had been stumbling in the middle the room looking dazed and confused, went ridged at Thor's shout. He looked about ready to take off when Thor snatched him up from behind.

"Where were you? I was so worried!"

Loki cried out has Thor started rubbing his face against his back.

"Sorry," Steve said, when Thor finally released the feline.

The look Loki sent him…

 **-Line-**

"Okay, don't panic." Tony said, "I'm sure she's fine- Thor, Darcy is not in the box, there's no reason to dump all the catnip on my floor. Stop it." He snatched the box from the thunderer. "She's fine, damn it."

"How can you be so sure?" Clint asked. Tony gave him a look, then whispered, "Do you want to be the one to tell Point Break that 'Lady Darcy' was possibly kidnapped for some nefarious reason? I didn't think so."

Before anymore could be said there was a flash of light.

"Ah, son of a-" the box in Tony's hands was now decisively heavier. Looking down, he saw Darcy-cat poke her head out.

"HA!" Thor yelled in triumph, "And you said she was not in the box!"

 **-Line-**

Tony groaned, sitting up and rubbing his head. "What hit me?"

"I cannot say for certain," Loki started, sitting up with a wince, "but I think it would be more accurate to say that it was _us_ that hit something. The ground, pacifically."

Oh right, the earthquake.

Looking around, Tony spotted his bear. He made quick to grab it, pulling it close. In doing so he caught the shine of something golden.

He saw Loki shift as he slowly lifted it up. Tony examined the apple in thought. He didn't feel nearly as anxious as he should, holding the equivalent of the fountain of youth in his hand.

He spared a glance at Loki, who was all hopeful eyes, underlined with resignation. He didn't expect Tony to except.

Well, Tony's always liked to go against what people expect.

He took a bite.

 **-Line-**

Tony slowly opened his eyes, five faces were staring down at him in worry.

"You okay, man?" Clint asked.

"Why," Tony cleared his throat, "Why do I have the sudden urge to measure Steve's penis?"

"He's fine," Natasha deadpanned.

 **End**

 **Omake! Or the ones the other took pity on.**

 **Bucky Needs a Hug Series.**

"One, two, three, four- don't worry about your feet, Steve." Bucky instructed, leading Steve through a dance.

"Sorry, sorry!" Steve squeaked, obviously trying not to squish Bucky's toes.

Bucky chuckled, "It's fine-"

The world started to shake. There was a flash of white.

"Whoa!"

Steve lost his footing, falling backwards and bringing Bucky with him.

It was over as soon as it started.

Bucky looked down at Steve, Steve looked up at Bucky…

They both started laughing.

 **Drunk Fun Series.**

"Cliiiiint, make the world stop moving!"

"It's called a hangover, asshole."


End file.
